I’m the Guy Trump Paid to Take the Montreal Cognitive Assessment Test.
This is My Story.
In 2018, I received a call from President Trump. He said, “I’m going to need some help with this Canada brain test they gotta give me because of the extreme radical left. I’m calling on you because you’re the best there is. You got me through those SATs and into Wharton, now get me out of this mess.”
I said, “But those were the SATs. And that was a half a century ago. Times have changed. I’ve changed. I’m not such a good test-taker anymore. At least not since I got over COVID-19.”
“That’s not what I’ve been hearing,” Trump said. “A lot of people say you’re still the best in the business.”
Despite my insecurities, I knew this was my moment. My calling. My country was counting on me. I said, “Yes, sir. Of course I’ll take it for you, sir. I’m a patriot. I shan’t let you down.”
I knew the test: The Montreal Cognitive Assessment, known on the streets as MOCA. A real toughie, designed to weed out everyone but the most stable of geniuses. Passable only by those with the best words at their disposal; those who know more than everybody about everything. Worse yet, there are many variations. Sometimes they made you identify a rhinoceros. Or a camel. Or even, on rare occasions, an owl. Which I felt certain was a type of bird. Other times they made you draw an analog clock showing a specific time (but what time???). Often, you had to count backwards from 100 by sevens, or name at least ten words that start with F. This was not going to be easy.
I would have to cover my bases. I scoured the dark web for the last ten years of tests to eliminate the possibility of getting caught by surprise. But I wasn’t afraid. I knew the alphabet inside and out. I was confident in my ability to count backwards. I’d heard it done it a thousand times: at rocket launches and on New Years Eve. I practiced drawing cubes until my fingers went numb. Thankfully, I know what a lion and a rhinoceros look like, having hunted both for sport. More importantly, I can tell the two apart. Lions have manes. Rhinoceros have horns. I am especially adept at identifying camels because of the cigarettes. Though retired, I frequently use a ruler and still wear a watch, so I understand the differences between the two: one is used for telling time, the other for measuring things smaller than twelve inches. Likewise a train and a bicycle: trains are faster.
The real trip-up, the gotcha, would be the five words. Five seemingly random words the doctor rattled off without comment, then asked you to recite back later. This was the last great unknown: what would the five words be? For this, I hired a Russian hacker off Fiverr. He went right to the source. He tracked down the man who invented the Montreal Cognitive Assessment: one Dr. Ziad Nasreddine. He ransomwared the doctor’s laptop and told him to meet me at midnight on a certain desolate corner under a streetlamp if he ever wanted to see his precious files again. And be sure and bring the five words. But no cops or the deal was off. This was war, after all. Our nation’s greatness was at stake.
It was under that streetlamp that the Lebanese neurologist whispered those five fateful words directly into my ear, violating all manner of social distancing protocol in the process: “Person, woman, man, camera, tv.”
I said, “Could you repeat that?” And he said yes, and did.
And I said, “Give that to me one more time.” And he did.
And I said, “You know what? I’m just going to write them down.”
And he repeated them again, slowly: “Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.”
And I said, “Hold on, my pen’s not working.”
He handed me his pen and I sprayed it with sanitizer and wrote the words down. And then the doctor turned and disappeared into the night.
Everything would be all right now. President Trump would ace his Montreal Cognitive Assessment, with extra points for getting the words in order. I patted the paper in my pocket. The five words were safely in my possession, and in plenty of time to have them tattooed on my arm before my appointment.
If you enjoyed this eye-opening exposé, please consider checking out my other insider-exclusives:
A Modest Proposal
The Corrected Waiver for the Tulsa, OK: Make America Great Again! Rally
