I’m the Guy Trump Paid to Take the Montreal Cognitive Assessment Test.

This is My Story.

In 2018, I received a call from President Trump. He said, “I’m going to need some help with this Canada brain test they gotta give me because of the extreme radical left. I’m calling on you because you’re the best there is. You got me through those SATs and into Wharton, now get me out of this mess.”

I said, “But those were the SATs. And that was a half a century ago. Times have changed. I’ve changed. I’m not such a good test-taker anymore. At least not since I got over COVID-19.”

“That’s not what I’ve been hearing,” Trump said. “A lot of people say you’re still the best in the business.”

Despite my insecurities, I knew this was my moment. My calling. My country was counting on me. I said, “Yes, sir. Of course I’ll take it for you, sir. I’m a patriot. I shan’t let you down.”

I knew the test: The Montreal Cognitive Assessment, known on the streets as MOCA. A real toughie, designed to weed out everyone but the most stable of geniuses. Passable only by those with the best words at their disposal; those who know more than everybody about everything. Worse yet, there are many variations. Sometimes they made you identify a rhinoceros. Or a camel. Or even, on rare occasions, an owl. Which I felt…